I have not written in anything in a very long time and I am sorry. Mostly I am apologizing to myself for not fighting hard enough. Last year 2015 I graduated college. I had nothing planned out and was just trying to push off all my responsibilities. I had no plans for after college and even when I began to make them I wasn't really planning on carrying them out because I was scared. Last year I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and depression. There were days I couldn't get myself out of bed just because I was scared. I was scared of dealing with anything and anyone. I was scared of taking on new responsibilities. I was scared of what people thought of me every time I entered the room. Fear drove me and I couldn't stop it. Last year I was blessed with a job. With a very good job that people out there are struggling to secure. Just a job. I was very grateful for the job but I was also very scared. We as human beings do not like change. We struggle to just get used to the IDEA of change. As a young adult fresh out of college with a good job secured you would think I would be happy for myself. I had a boyfriend, a job, a diploma, a family that loves me and a God that never gives up. BUT I am human.... and last year I gave up on myself. Fear crept into my life and I let it make a home in me. There was a week where I couldn't even bear the thought of having to get up to go to work and worry about angry customers or upsetting my bosses. I just couldn't do it, so i reached out for help from my doctor. I began to see a therapist who really pushed me to get out of my comfort zones BUT little by little. She knew that just the smallest steps seemed like the biggest ones. She encouraged me to find comfort in the faith I had given up on. I'm going to take a moment and just explain truly how I felt. When MY depression set in and my anxiety came it felt like there was always something bad coming up around the bend. Like you were running and running because you were scared of what was behind you but you were also scared of what could be coming up ahead. The past year fear controlled my life and I was miserable. I had lost myself in this cloud of darkness and at one point I even liked it because I was becoming used to it. I remember when I first felt it and would tell people and everyone told me the same thing. "dont let it get you"... don't let it get you But you see it's not that easy. depression is a mental ILLNESS. I was very ill this past year and people were making me feel like it was my fault. I felt abandoned by God and I couldn't feel His presence in my life. But I know He was there. He was there all the nights I cried myself to sleep. He was there in my dads hugs or my moms kisses. He was there in the kindness of my brothers. In the thoughtfulness of my coworkers. He was all around me but that's what depression did. It made me feel like He wasn't. This year I got a tattoo that says "Be Still" I am sure right now many of you are reciting where it comes from. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10 During my depression I began to start painting. oil painting. Surprisingly enough it brought me a peace that I was just dying for. I had no worries in the world when I would paint. I'd paint places I'd make up in my head that I would want to visit. A wonderful couple took interest in my paintings and offered to buy them. I was quiet when they came but I shared my story with them. At the end they prayed for me and God moved in my life that day and woke me up again. She prayed and used the verse I had been clinging on to for the past few months. Psalm 46:10. After this I began to start praying again and surround myself with people who reminded me that even in the darkest of times we have someone already who has gone through it. Someone who will never leave us and who is the way and the truth and the life. Life that has meaning and purpose. Someone who is the light we all are searching for. He is using people every day in your life to get through to you, we just have to take the time and learn to listen. God is there and He's there just for you. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25-27 God bless, Kayla | |
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AuthorMy Name is Kayla. I am 22 years old. Loving my God and this life he's blessed me with. to vote on the subject of my next post and listen to my favorite song of the week click the link above!
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